moonsheen

Inspired very directly by today's Penny Arcade

"...look. My name's Theo, and I'm Elf. That's not short for Theomir. That's not short for Theodorian Sunstreaker Moonbeam. It's..just Theo. I know you all think elves should have long flowing hair and tights-as-pants, but, uh, while I can't deny that is our traditional clothing do you expect Greek guys today to wear togas?

I know how to say 'good morning', 'goodnight' and 'Thank you for the sweater grandmother' in Elvish and...that's about it. I can't order your topiary for you. I can't make the tomatos grow faster in your window box.

If I'm calling you I'm probably asking about your credit rating, not your landscaping projects."

Guys I date always think I'm going to be a frigid beast in bed. No, that's not supposed to sound like it makes sense. They expect me to be some cool aloof royal prude while being a raging domineering freak. Also, they expect me to be able to talk to their dogs and... I don't even KNOW how that one started.

And to all those who think they should take me to overpriced salad bars? VEGAN AND ELVISH IS NOT THE SAME THING.

I took ONE archery course. In high school. And I FAILED.

I'm not a hermaphrodite. I don't photosynthesize. I don't ride flowers and moonbeams to work. I catch a cab. And sometimes that cab driver calls me Miss. Which is why I don't bother with the five foot long ponytail. Not that anyone I know actually does. I've only ever sparkled after an unfortunate accident involving my sisters Bedazzler back in the eighties.

So, look. I know there are guys out there who are...kind of insecure about themselves and see 'elf' and think that's somehow a 'maybe' on the 'what gender are you?' section of an insurance form. Or they think they're in for some weird, tantric by-way-of-bdsm kinky Old Age stuff. Or they just think they're getting a waifish beauty who needs to be treated like a virgin princess. To those men I say: do not waste my time. Take me to a bar, buy me a burger, talk to me about the game last night and know I don't take offense to you crushing a few daisies while I do you in the park on the way back to your apartment.

Do we get it? Good. Great.

...it's true what they say about the ears, though."